Maybe it’s because I’m tall and have been scarred by a lifetime of tights that sag around my crotch. Maybe it’s because I spent many years in un-air conditioned ballet studios, where no matter how hot it got, you could NEVER remove your regulation white tights. Whatever the reason, I’ve always believed that tights are garbage. Uncomfortable, vagina-wedgie, disappointing garbage. But more than that — I believed that there was no difference in tights, no matter how much money you spend on them. Cheap tights? Cheap trash. Designer tights? Expensive trash. Tights suck, no matter what… or so I thought. Challenged by my tights-loving coworkers, I put two pairs of black tights — one cheap, one expensive — to the ultimate test. And honestly, my life has forever been changed. I wanted to compare apples to apples as much as possible, so I made sure both pairs of tights were A) opaque, B) black, and C) had “control.” Easy, right? No. ALL those words mean completely different things from brand to brand (and sometimes style to style). You can buy “opaque black tights” and end up with sheer grayish pantyhose, and I really think the lack of consistency puts people off. Tights brands, you can do better. Even though words mean nothing in Pantyhose Kingdom, these two pairs seemed to be as similar to one another as possible. It was time to compare and contrast. Much of this complex algebra is not explained. That’s not exactly size inclusive — the 2XL is about the equivalent of a US size 16-18 — but it’s not the worst range ever. Anyway. No Nonsense’s sizing goes from S – XXL. Per the size chart, No Nonsense’s XXL tight in this style is for people up to 6” who weigh up to 300lbs. Again — not SUPER inclusive, but not a terrible start. Bad packaging lets the tights get crushed up into an unattractive ball, which leaves you with lumpy-looking legs. The Wolford tights (Shopbop, $85) came in a BIG flat package, wrapped in heavy-duty plastic. This means the tights don’t get too wrinkly as they’re shipped. Because those wrinkles in the No Nonsense cheap tights? They did NOT come out. And that wasn’t the only problem. Then it got worse. If you, like me, have a Thing about textures, this is definitely something to consider. Why wear tights if they make you feel emotionally (and physically) crawly? This may seem silly, but I also really liked that the Wolford tights have a tag in the back (so you know which side IS the back) and built-in heels. Prevents a lot of confusion when you’re getting dressed in the morning! The material the No Nonsense tights was made of was much thinner and felt more breathable than the expensive version, too. I was starting to realize that I had no idea what I liked in tights — do I like thick material or thin? Do I like super-soft, or a little rougher? WHO KNOWS. It was time to try both pairs of tights on. God help me. I’m used to jumping around, yanking the waistband towards my ears to get tights on. The Wolford tights ($85, Shopbop) were different — they were VERY snug, thanks to that “control” built in — they slid on easily, and I didn’t need to do an interpretive dance to feel comfortable in them. These tights ($85, Shopbop) were soft, yet provided firm support. They were like getting a really good hug, but all over my lower body. They were opaque — perhaps a little transparent around the contours of my ass, but honestly, what wouldn’t become see-through in the presence of my butt? Most importantly, the Wolford tights had a flat matte black finish that I really liked. Finally, I thought. I see why people actually wear these things! ($85, Shopbop) ($85, Shopbop) I felt secure that, if I bent over in these tights ($85, Shopbop), the entire world wouldn’t see my crevices. Additionally, after stretching sections of the tights to check the opacity, the Wolford tights snapped right back into shape which is extremely chef’s kiss What does Wolford do to these tights to make them so good? I’m guessing dark magic. There was only one way to find out. That didn’t bode well. Is. This. HAPPENING. I was not in to these, is what I’m saying. That said, I can really see the benefit in having cheap tights on hand. If you need “emergency tights,” or you don’t live in a place that gets cold very often, or if you’re not on the taller end of things, I can imagine that the No Nonsense tights would definitely work. They’ll probably get you from A to B, with only a few runs in the process. But if you need to wear opaque black tights to an event, to work, or if you just enjoy NOT feeling like a butternut pumpkin stuffed into a condom, go Wolford. If they’ve made me a believer, just think about the brave new world of actually awesome tights waiting for you.
title: “These Are The Best Black Tights Ever Made” ShowToc: true date: “2024-09-02” author: “Kareen Turner”
Maybe it’s because I’m tall and have been scarred by a lifetime of tights that sag around my crotch. Maybe it’s because I spent many years in un-air conditioned ballet studios, where no matter how hot it got, you could NEVER remove your regulation white tights. Whatever the reason, I’ve always believed that tights are garbage. Uncomfortable, vagina-wedgie, disappointing garbage. But more than that — I believed that there was no difference in tights, no matter how much money you spend on them. Cheap tights? Cheap trash. Designer tights? Expensive trash. Tights suck, no matter what… or so I thought. Challenged by my tights-loving coworkers, I put two pairs of black tights — one cheap, one expensive — to the ultimate test. And honestly, my life has forever been changed. I wanted to compare apples to apples as much as possible, so I made sure both pairs of tights were A) opaque, B) black, and C) had “control.” Easy, right? No. ALL those words mean completely different things from brand to brand (and sometimes style to style). You can buy “opaque black tights” and end up with sheer grayish pantyhose, and I really think the lack of consistency puts people off. Tights brands, you can do better. Even though words mean nothing in Pantyhose Kingdom, these two pairs seemed to be as similar to one another as possible. It was time to compare and contrast. Much of this complex algebra is not explained. That’s not exactly size inclusive — the 2XL is about the equivalent of a US size 16-18 — but it’s not the worst range ever. Anyway. No Nonsense’s sizing goes from S – XXL. Per the size chart, No Nonsense’s XXL tight in this style is for people up to 6” who weigh up to 300lbs. Again — not SUPER inclusive, but not a terrible start. Bad packaging lets the tights get crushed up into an unattractive ball, which leaves you with lumpy-looking legs. The Wolford tights (Shopbop, $85) came in a BIG flat package, wrapped in heavy-duty plastic. This means the tights don’t get too wrinkly as they’re shipped. Because those wrinkles in the No Nonsense cheap tights? They did NOT come out. And that wasn’t the only problem. Then it got worse. If you, like me, have a Thing about textures, this is definitely something to consider. Why wear tights if they make you feel emotionally (and physically) crawly? This may seem silly, but I also really liked that the Wolford tights have a tag in the back (so you know which side IS the back) and built-in heels. Prevents a lot of confusion when you’re getting dressed in the morning! The material the No Nonsense tights was made of was much thinner and felt more breathable than the expensive version, too. I was starting to realize that I had no idea what I liked in tights — do I like thick material or thin? Do I like super-soft, or a little rougher? WHO KNOWS. It was time to try both pairs of tights on. God help me. I’m used to jumping around, yanking the waistband towards my ears to get tights on. The Wolford tights ($85, Shopbop) were different — they were VERY snug, thanks to that “control” built in — they slid on easily, and I didn’t need to do an interpretive dance to feel comfortable in them. These tights ($85, Shopbop) were soft, yet provided firm support. They were like getting a really good hug, but all over my lower body. They were opaque — perhaps a little transparent around the contours of my ass, but honestly, what wouldn’t become see-through in the presence of my butt? Most importantly, the Wolford tights had a flat matte black finish that I really liked. Finally, I thought. I see why people actually wear these things! ($85, Shopbop) ($85, Shopbop) I felt secure that, if I bent over in these tights ($85, Shopbop), the entire world wouldn’t see my crevices. Additionally, after stretching sections of the tights to check the opacity, the Wolford tights snapped right back into shape which is extremely chef’s kiss What does Wolford do to these tights to make them so good? I’m guessing dark magic. There was only one way to find out. That didn’t bode well. Is. This. HAPPENING. I was not in to these, is what I’m saying. That said, I can really see the benefit in having cheap tights on hand. If you need “emergency tights,” or you don’t live in a place that gets cold very often, or if you’re not on the taller end of things, I can imagine that the No Nonsense tights would definitely work. They’ll probably get you from A to B, with only a few runs in the process. But if you need to wear opaque black tights to an event, to work, or if you just enjoy NOT feeling like a butternut pumpkin stuffed into a condom, go Wolford. If they’ve made me a believer, just think about the brave new world of actually awesome tights waiting for you.
