Yet somehow, people love them. The Peeps brand has expanded to include Christmas Peeps and ghost-shaped Halloween Peeps. There are Peeps Oreos now and red and blue speckled Peeps for the Fourth of July. Two billion Peeps were produced in 2015 — billion, with a “B” — and all that tells me about the world is that there are two billion people out there who are dead wrong. Peeps are a seasonal menace whose very existence should make us all cringe in shame, and I can explain why. “One hour after plunging an unfortunate Peep into its grisly demise, all that remained in the beaker was a pair of brown carnauba wax eyes floating in a purple Phenol soup,” the researchers said in a press release. That’s not a dessert; that’s a horror movie come to life. If you look at Pinterest, you can find recipes for Peeps milkshakes, Peeps sushi, Peep-cakes, and even little Peeps rabbits driving cars made out of Twinkies. People try to make Peeps smores, even though Peeps barely melt because, as we’ve already established, they’re packing material masquerading as food. There’s a company that actually makes Peeps Milk. This is not the world I want to live in, people! Peeps don’t belong in our milk or in our smores, they besmirch our Pinterest boards, and they certainly don’t deserve to be the stars of the Easter aisle at the grocery store, using their cult-favorite status to outshine the other, superior Easter treats despite their glaring mediocrity.
