That was the struggle one mom from Massachusetts faced when her son started telling her that he wanted to be a girl. Adrienne Anzelmo wasn’t sure how to guide her child through his journey, but ultimately it was her love for her child that saw her through. “He didn’t play with toys the same or get excited about the same type of things,” Adrienne said. “Matty always wanted things that were pink and items that sparkled. He loved his cousin’s headbands and dress up clothes. As young as 3 Matthew was constantly asking to watch Disney princess movies.” Although Matty’s interests didn’t upset his mother, she knew that her son “had no idea what society expected of him as a boy, nor did I really care.” She loved her “feminine eccentric son” no matter what his interests were. “‘You are a boy hunny’ I would say to him gently," Adrienne recalled. “By the age of 4 he was flat-out denying that this could be true.” The mom said that the line between making her son happy and the pressure to conform to what society expects of him wore on her, but that was nothing compared to the anger that “felt like it was consuming Matthew and everyone around him into this dark hole.” Will he feel like we are essentially hiding him from the world by only allowing this at home? she wondered as she lay awake at night. Adrienne said that some people didn’t even try to accept her son. “I heard things like ‘Well if my child said she was a cat I wouldn’t feed her out of a dish on the floor and put a collar on her. You shouldn’t entertain Matty thinking he’s female,’” and another person “offered to pay Matty $5 to ’lose the pink shirt.’” “No one was celebrating this child, not even me,” she admitted. “I was sad, confused and angry. I had to grieve while also being an advocate for my 4-year-old. Saying things to people I didn’t even sometimes believe myself.” “The doctor slid across the table to my husband and me a sheet of statistics,” she remembered. “I remember hearing the words she spoke as if she was 100 miles away echoing each sound as it made its way to me.” The doctor told Adrienne and Keir that “1 in 2 kids are at a risk of committing or attempting suicide if not supported with their gender nonconformity.” That fact terrified the parents. “I vividly remember my husband turning to me and saying it felt like a death sentence for our son if we kept on like this,” she said. Adrienne had had her doubts about her son’s condition. She often felt guilty because she sometimes wondered if Matty enjoyed the attention of being different, but this visit was the hard truth that she needed to accept: Matty would never be happy as a man. “My love for [Matty] and desire to understand him rose above it all. Matty made me realize that I didn’t have children so they can be what I expected or hoped they would be. I had children to nurture, love and support the people they chose to become,” she said. “Some kids asked questions,” Adrienne recalled, “and the teachers simply stated ‘in Maddie’s heart and brain she is a girl.’” The mom took her daughter to a dance class, and both she and Maddie were nervous to see the other girls reactions. “As we entered the waiting room a little girl in Maddie’s class gasped. … I thought, My god here we go. The little dancer proceeded to tell Maddie for a solid 3 minutes how much she loved her boots … her boots! No one in class worried about what she was wearing … she was just Maddie to them.” Adrienne said that since Maddie has transitioned, the reaction from other children has far exceeded her expectations. “Maddie is lucky to be growing up in the world today and not a world years ago when it seemed no one made space for kids that felt like this,” she said. But Adrienne is realistic about the challenges her daughter is sure to face. “It’s hard for me as a parent to think about the hate my daughter will receive regardless of how progressive we are becoming as a society. It is hard to think about the struggles she will face and the path that won’t be easy to walk. “I know I am giving her the pride and strength to stand up and walk it as her true authentic self … and for that we are both holding our heads high.” Adrienne has written a book to help other families with gender nonconforming children. You can purchase it here.
