Give yourself one point for every time you can answer “yes” to the questions below:
Is your child’s first name an initial because you got bored when filling out the birth certificate? If you ask your 8-year-old to bring you a mixed drink, will they show up with anything other than Kool-Aid? Have any of your children been eaten by bears? Is your child a werewolf? Do you find yourself replacing neighborhood puppies that your child has eaten? Does your child want to grow up to work on the pole? (Assign no points if your child just wants to be a firefighter. Assign double points if your child wants to be a “sexy firefighter.”) Do you worry that you don’t spend enough quality time with your child because the prison’s visiting hours interfere with your gambling schedule? Have you ever left your child in a sinkhole for their own safety? Are they in one right now? Did you just find yourself saying, “OHMYGOD, I TOTALLY FORGOT THAT I LEFT JACKSON IN A SINK-HOLE”? Did you immediately follow it up with “Wait … Jackson? Was that his name? … Jackster? … Jackyl? Would I name a child ‘Jackyl’? I was on a lot of heroin at the time. Huh. What the hell was his name?” Did you name your child Jackyl? Did your mommy ask you to do this quiz for her because she’s “too drunk to do math right now”? Is your child currently on fire? If you answered “yes,” did you stop this quiz to douse the flames or did you tell your child to hang on a minute because you don’t want to lose track of your points?
SCORING: 0 points: Congratulations! You are an excellent parent. Or you are a compulsive liar. Or you’re too high to keep score properly. One of those. 1-3 points: You’re probably a fine parent. Unless you let your child become a werewolf. That’s just irresponsible. 4-16 points: Wow. Very impressive. Print this out and show this quiz to your local Child Protective Services to redeem your prize. Over 16 points: You are too drunk to do math. Please ask your child to assist you.
