Even sex-advice columnist, author, and host of the Savage Lovecast podcast Dan Savage says that for the right people, “ethical non-monogamy” can work.
I spoke with four different couples — some in open relationships (where you only have sexual encounters outside your relationship), and some in polyamorous ones (where you have multiple relationships, sometimes with one of them being your “primary” partner) — for whom it does work… but not without a few ground rules, of course.
Keeping in mind that every couple has its own unique set of rules, here are some of the ones that work for these four.
All names have been changed.
Angela, 27, and her boyfriend Todd, 29, agree. “We always, always have to use protection with other people,” she says. “So far we’ve mostly used male condoms,” but on occasion the couple will use female condoms, depending.
“[Now] we can kiss a new partner without getting the other person’s permission beforehand,” she continues, “but we need to check in before we sleep with someone for the first time.”
“We’re very, very, very open in terms of communicating,” Jane says. “We tell each other everything — it’s part of what’s fun about doing this. We also tend to do a lot of it together, so most of the time we’re both participating (that is, we will both go out on ‘dates’ with other couples or single people).”
“But life is hierarchical,” she notes. “I live with my primary partner; there’s an inevitable hierarchy to that.”
“We, being lawyers and nerds, actually wrote a ‘contract’ of our rules when we first started,” he says. “The idea wasn’t that we could go back and be like, ‘you broke the contract!’ so much as it was a way of forcing us to verbalize our perspectives and assumptions, and make sure they match up.
“It also got us to talk about things and issues that we hadn’t even considered (like, for example, whether we can spend the night with other partners).”
Hannah says the same: “We each have a veto, but it’s more of a hard check-in… I don’t have to like my metamours, but I make an effort to be respectful.”
The same goes for everyone being on board with whatever sex acts are involved.
“You can’t question someone else’s needs and boundaries,” Liz says. “My partner’s girlfriend doesn’t want him sleeping with men, which is pretty silly to me, honestly, this gender-based double standard, but I don’t say that to her. You have to respect each other’s needs and be OK with them.”
Daniel and Jane say that the contract they wrote together was “updated a few months later”; Hannah and Toby say their rules have “evolved over time.” For example, Hannah says, “We started out with a no-mutual-friends rule, and mostly have stuck to that,” with some exceptions.
“The establishment of certain ground rules is critical for emotionally responsible non-monogamy,” Angela says. “But those rules also change.”
“There’s no silently dealing with what your partner wants,” Liz says. You have to be “upfront about what you want and what you need, and willing to make active compromises with your partner.”
title: “7 Rules For A Successful Open Relationship” ShowToc: true date: “2024-09-05” author: “Sean Easter”
Even sex-advice columnist, author, and host of the Savage Lovecast podcast Dan Savage says that for the right people, “ethical non-monogamy” can work.
I spoke with four different couples — some in open relationships (where you only have sexual encounters outside your relationship), and some in polyamorous ones (where you have multiple relationships, sometimes with one of them being your “primary” partner) — for whom it does work… but not without a few ground rules, of course.
Keeping in mind that every couple has its own unique set of rules, here are some of the ones that work for these four.
All names have been changed.
Angela, 27, and her boyfriend Todd, 29, agree. “We always, always have to use protection with other people,” she says. “So far we’ve mostly used male condoms,” but on occasion the couple will use female condoms, depending.
“[Now] we can kiss a new partner without getting the other person’s permission beforehand,” she continues, “but we need to check in before we sleep with someone for the first time.”
“We’re very, very, very open in terms of communicating,” Jane says. “We tell each other everything — it’s part of what’s fun about doing this. We also tend to do a lot of it together, so most of the time we’re both participating (that is, we will both go out on ‘dates’ with other couples or single people).”
“But life is hierarchical,” she notes. “I live with my primary partner; there’s an inevitable hierarchy to that.”
“We, being lawyers and nerds, actually wrote a ‘contract’ of our rules when we first started,” he says. “The idea wasn’t that we could go back and be like, ‘you broke the contract!’ so much as it was a way of forcing us to verbalize our perspectives and assumptions, and make sure they match up.
“It also got us to talk about things and issues that we hadn’t even considered (like, for example, whether we can spend the night with other partners).”
Hannah says the same: “We each have a veto, but it’s more of a hard check-in… I don’t have to like my metamours, but I make an effort to be respectful.”
The same goes for everyone being on board with whatever sex acts are involved.
“You can’t question someone else’s needs and boundaries,” Liz says. “My partner’s girlfriend doesn’t want him sleeping with men, which is pretty silly to me, honestly, this gender-based double standard, but I don’t say that to her. You have to respect each other’s needs and be OK with them.”
Daniel and Jane say that the contract they wrote together was “updated a few months later”; Hannah and Toby say their rules have “evolved over time.” For example, Hannah says, “We started out with a no-mutual-friends rule, and mostly have stuck to that,” with some exceptions.
“The establishment of certain ground rules is critical for emotionally responsible non-monogamy,” Angela says. “But those rules also change.”
“There’s no silently dealing with what your partner wants,” Liz says. You have to be “upfront about what you want and what you need, and willing to make active compromises with your partner.”
title: “7 Rules For A Successful Open Relationship” ShowToc: true date: “2024-09-29” author: “Harry Macchiaroli”
Even sex-advice columnist, author, and host of the Savage Lovecast podcast Dan Savage says that for the right people, “ethical non-monogamy” can work.
I spoke with four different couples — some in open relationships (where you only have sexual encounters outside your relationship), and some in polyamorous ones (where you have multiple relationships, sometimes with one of them being your “primary” partner) — for whom it does work… but not without a few ground rules, of course.
Keeping in mind that every couple has its own unique set of rules, here are some of the ones that work for these four.
All names have been changed.
Angela, 27, and her boyfriend Todd, 29, agree. “We always, always have to use protection with other people,” she says. “So far we’ve mostly used male condoms,” but on occasion the couple will use female condoms, depending.
“[Now] we can kiss a new partner without getting the other person’s permission beforehand,” she continues, “but we need to check in before we sleep with someone for the first time.”
“We’re very, very, very open in terms of communicating,” Jane says. “We tell each other everything — it’s part of what’s fun about doing this. We also tend to do a lot of it together, so most of the time we’re both participating (that is, we will both go out on ‘dates’ with other couples or single people).”
“But life is hierarchical,” she notes. “I live with my primary partner; there’s an inevitable hierarchy to that.”
“We, being lawyers and nerds, actually wrote a ‘contract’ of our rules when we first started,” he says. “The idea wasn’t that we could go back and be like, ‘you broke the contract!’ so much as it was a way of forcing us to verbalize our perspectives and assumptions, and make sure they match up.
“It also got us to talk about things and issues that we hadn’t even considered (like, for example, whether we can spend the night with other partners).”
Hannah says the same: “We each have a veto, but it’s more of a hard check-in… I don’t have to like my metamours, but I make an effort to be respectful.”
The same goes for everyone being on board with whatever sex acts are involved.
“You can’t question someone else’s needs and boundaries,” Liz says. “My partner’s girlfriend doesn’t want him sleeping with men, which is pretty silly to me, honestly, this gender-based double standard, but I don’t say that to her. You have to respect each other’s needs and be OK with them.”
Daniel and Jane say that the contract they wrote together was “updated a few months later”; Hannah and Toby say their rules have “evolved over time.” For example, Hannah says, “We started out with a no-mutual-friends rule, and mostly have stuck to that,” with some exceptions.
“The establishment of certain ground rules is critical for emotionally responsible non-monogamy,” Angela says. “But those rules also change.”
“There’s no silently dealing with what your partner wants,” Liz says. You have to be “upfront about what you want and what you need, and willing to make active compromises with your partner.”
