Between the college teams and the NFL, there’s a football game on television every Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. Sometimes Thursdays too. In my house, the TV is tuned in to what seems to be most of these games. And it’s not always easy to get my husband’s attention: to help with the housework, answer a question, or just plain have a conversation. So in the spirit of “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em,” it was helpful for me to learn a few terms from the game. Below is a list of 25 basic football terms, redefined to be useful in your everyday life:
- Audible: When you up the volume to yelling because you’ve asked your husband to do something three times and he hasn’t responded.
- Ball carrier: What you call the tighty whitey underwear your husband used to wear before you made him grow up and wear boxers.
- Bump and run: The call you make when you’re multitasking (laundry, dishes, vacuuming) and your husband accidentally makes contact with you. Then runs out of the house so he doesn’t have to help.
- Completion: When your husband rolls off of you after you’re finished having sex.5. Crack-back block: What you do when your husband forgets to wear his belt and you’rehaving dinner with your boss. You stand behind him when he bends over to pick up his toothpick so no one can see his crack.
- Dead ball: When your husband is passed out, stone cold drunk, and couldn’t make love to you even if you wanted him to. And that’s a big if.
- Encroachment: The move your husband makes in bed after you’ve already told him three times that you’re not in the mood.
- Holding: The bear hug your husband gives you when you’re mad at him and don’t want to discuss why. Keeps you from running away.
- Hole number: The number of men you’ve slept with in your lifetime. Not something you necessarily want your husband to know.
- Hurry up offense: The strategy you use when your husband is taking too long to orgasm and you’ve already been done for a while. Includes talking dirty to him and loud moaning.
- Hang time: The amount of time you and your husband have between the kids going to bed and straightening up the house until the time that you need to go to sleep so you can start it all over again. Usually less than the length of a halftime show.
- Fumble: When your husband drops the ball by forgetting to pick up milk at the grocery store. Again.
- Illegal procedure: When your husband puts the red shirt in with the white laundry, even though you warned him not to. Hope he likes pink underwear and the extra charges on his credit card to replace your good white shirt.
- Interference: What your husband runs between you and his mother so she doesn’t get the chance to tell you that you’re a poor cook or need to lose a little weight.
- Loose ball: What happens when your husband wears boxers and wide legged shorts. Not a pretty sight for the old lady who lives next door.
- Offending team: When your husband and his Saturday morning basketball buddies come over after their game and smell up your house with their body odor.
- Overtime: The extra hours you have to put in when your husband goes out of town and leaves you with all the parental responsibilities. For a whole week.
- Personal foul: Your husband leaving the toilet seat up in the middle of the night. And you falling in to it.
- Sack: See Loose ball.
- Shotgun: What happened to your sister’s husband’s niece who got pregnant when she was 21 and got married when she was 21 and 3/4.
- Side judge: What you do to your husband when he’s been eating too many Cheetos and burritos and his love handles are getting a little big.
- Too many men on the field: See Hole number.
- Two-minute warning: The amount of time your husband has to shower and jump into bed with you before you move on to the next item on your list. We’re on a schedule, people.
- Unsportsmanlike conduct: The call you make when your husband Dutch ovens you in bed. Flag on the field with that one. Penalty? Sleeping in the other room.
- Unnecessary roughness: The foul committed when your husband smacks you on the ass too hard while you’re fooling around. This infraction is serious. He’s got to know where you draw the line. What are some of the football terms that you use with your husband? Image via Matt McGee/Flickr
